DRUMMER COLUMN:
SATIRE, ASTROLOGIC
©Jack Fritscher. See Permissions, Reprints, Quotations, Footnotes

Astrologic

ARIES
by Jack Fritscher

AUTHOR'S HISTORICAL CONTEXT INTRODUCTION
DRAFT VERSION

Written December 1977, and published in Drummer 21, March 1978, this column I wrote as stand-up satire of astrology’s popularity in the 60’s and 70’s when one of the actual “opening lines” was, “What’s your sign?” A. Jay knocked out an original drawing of a Pan as Man-Goat. My content took swipes of one-liner humor at hot topics, trends, and gossip from Eldridge Cleaver’s “invention” of codpiece pants to Anita Bryant’s hate campaign to Malcolm Boyd’s new take on gay spirituality.

            I also invoke direct mention of Fred Halsted who was one of the new columnists in Drummer 21, because I liked his S&M films, and thought he was demon-hot, and convenient when I was in L. A. Halsted directly states in his column that Drummer is in a direct line of descent from Bob Mizer’s AMG Physique Pictorial. He meant Drummer’s heritage culturally, not actually. In Los Angeles, Mizer’s was a small-format “photo ’zine” with black-and-white pictures and a political message crusading against censorship. In San Francisco, Drummer was a large format magazine with a lot of writing as ballast to the pictures, with covers in color, and with hardly more message than masculine entertainment. –JF, 21 April 2002

©2002, 2003 Jack Fritscher

The column was written in December, 1977,
and published in Drummer 21, March 1978

Astrologic

ARIES
by Jack Fritscher

ARIES S: (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19):
In spring a young man’s love turns fancy. Try topping a trick wearing Adidas and a Lacoste. Yeah, just try it. (But don’t mess his hair.)
ARIES M: This spring Uranus should be in conjunction with whatever fits. (And you will have fits.)

TAURUS S: (Apr. 20 - May 20): Put rocks in your M’s red ruby boots.
TAURUS M: Ask your Top to take you dancing.

GEMINI S: (May 21 - June 20): Both your heads, Gem, are so fucking vain that you sleep on Mylar sheets. Get control of your selves.
GEMINI M: As an exercise in discipline, try to cum while pretending you’re bound and gagged and living in Orange County. (The gagging should be easy.)

CANCER S: (June 21 - July 21): Do your damndest to discover how to get into the most secret of macho leather clubs. Clue: it’s based in SFO. Drummer knows all, but can tell nothing.
CANCER M: On Good Friday, hang around from noon till three. Then sing “The Alleluia Chorus.” With feeling.

LEO S: (July 22 - Aug. 21): Your rising sign indicates you should arrange a prison tour of a local juvenile facility. Dress up like a good citizen. Let your sign rise further.
LEO M: At heart, you’re a chicken-hawk masochist who hates to travel. This month, double your displeasure. Take a Greyhound to Oklahoma and taunt the new Teenage Chapter of the KKK (especially founded to take care of maniacs like you).

VIRGO S: (Aug. 22 - Sept 22): Cater to your domesticity. For a classic asshole-puckering experience, feed your slave alum brownies.
VIRGO M: Grease the brownie pan. Grease your brownie hole. Put a knife under the bed to cut the pain. Object: fisticuffs.

LIBRA S: (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Keep your balance. Shatter your M’s cliches about what a one-sided Top you are. String yourself up. Work yourself over. Make him watch. Tell him to eat his heart out.
LIBRA M: Tell your Top to fuck off. Get the extra set of tit clamps, put them on your own nipples, and watch Charlie’s Angels. That’s P-A-I-N.

SCORPIO S: (Oct 23 - Nov. 21): Be meaner. Take your scumbag M to a Punk Rock concert. Safety-pin him into position in the front row facing the audience.
SCORPIO M: Quickly learn the difference between S&M games and “getting punked.” Forget your rubber duck and learn how, when they’re thrown, to duck rubbers.

SAGITTARIUS S: (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21): Host a “Masochist Luau.” Invite several other Tops to bring their Bottoms.
SAGITTARIUS M: Get your soda-straw from your Top Host and kneel with the other Bottoms around the cesspool. (You’re so sick.)

CAPRICORN S: (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20): Watch your diet. Get some quiet. Get ready to try it. On the next full moon, something you said you’d never do, you will in fact eat.
CAPRICORN M: Stroll into an anti-smoking convention. Light up a big stogie and take it like a man. After that foreplay, for a good time, call Fred Halsted.

AQUARIUS S: (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19): Call Born-Again and Star-Crossed Eldridge Cleaver (collect) in L.A. where he is marketing “Cleavers,” the pants with the codpiece. Tell clever Cleaver that leather men have been wearing this style for years. Trust your lucky stars, but still don’t identify yourself.
AQUARIUS M: Wrap your head in Ace bandages and read either If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him, or Malcolm Boyd’s latest gay religion book: Are You Running with Me, Jesus, or Just Breathing Hard?

PISCES S: (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20): Call Anita Bryant (collect). Tell her about the new ANITA BRYANT MEMORIAL MICROWAVE OVEN that seats 15. Remind the lady that, as usual, it’s women and children first.
PISCES M: Call Richard Nixon (collect) and let him put you down.

©1977, 2003 Jack Fritscher

ILLUSTRATIONS

Copyright 2007 by Jack Fritscher, Ph.D. & Mark Hemry - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED